Your Tribe Can't Hear You!
Today I want to cover the topic of social connection.
I recently saw a quote that said, “The greatest predictor of long-term happiness is social connection.” Studies are showing now that lack of social connectedness can be as much of a detriment to your health as obesity, smoking and high blood pressure. So basically, social connection matters. It’s an important component of being mentally and physically well! Not to mention, relationships and relating to others is truly the spice of life.
Lately, everyone’s talking about their “tribe.” Everyone’s got a tribe, or is at least well-versed in using the hash tag. When I refer to your “tribe” here, I’m referring to people whom you can relate to, enjoy sharing experiences with, and with whom you can share mutual support - basically your friends. In real life. Not your social media following.
So…what if social connection is seriously not your forte? What if you don’t have a tribe, or have even convinced yourself that you don’t need/want a tribe? I’m going to share a little of my past and present struggles with this, and the underlying secret, no matter your situation.
I recently came across a gold mine in the Alison Archives. I’ve kept a journal from a very young age. And oh wow, looking back on these has provided some interesting insight, as well as some pretty cringe-worthy comedy, to say the least! Cringe. Worthy. And not just the phase I went through of signing my name with a lightning bolt underneath it. Or the repeated times I declare at a hilariously young age that I’m going to be “single for the rest of my life.” Recently, one entry in particular piqued my interest, and now you get a special glimpse into the life of 17-year-old me. The paraphrased version (you’re welcome) is basically a sad rant referring to a specific group of people who “never include me” and who are “always having tons of fun without me.” It concludes with this little gem:
When I read this now, I can’t help but laugh out loud. First of all, though, I can totally go back to that place and feel the pain of those lonely feelings. But here’s the funny part: I can almost GUARANTEE that the people I’m referring to here had NO IDEA I was sitting in a corner writing about wanting to be friends with them. Why? Because that’s all I ever did about it. Tried to send mind messages from the safe sidelines of life, hoping that people would just walk up to me one day and read my mind, and if they didn’t, it meant I was somehow being rejected. Also, not only was I not really making much of an effort socially, but my fears and insecurities were most likely giving off “do not approach” signals!
“All I ever did was try to send mind messages from the safe sidelines of life…and if no one picked up on these, I decided I was being rejected.”
So many “what ifs” tug at me when I read this. What if I had done this or that…what if I had gone there at that time…the truth is it was an inside job. A job of intention, not circumstance. I had labelled myself early on as shy. As weird. As different. But shy is not a noun. Weird is not a noun. I am a noun. Shy people still have interests! Weird people have likes & dislikes, just like the next person! These adjectives can come with a cage if you let them. And they will silence your voice, and dim your light. I was so confused about who I was, and so concerned about how I would be perceived, that I just kept to myself. I let shy become a noun. I let it define me.
“Shy is not a noun. Weird is not a noun. I am a noun.”
Here’s what I’m telling that girl, and you, if you can relate: Your tribe can’t hear you! They can’t read your mind! Your voice is too quiet behind that mask of perfection! And I’m going to tell you what to do about it.
This might be the part where some people are going to say, “Yeah, yeah, I need to become an extrovert,” or “I need to practice & memorize these certain social scripts to have in my back pocket,” etc. And that’s what I used to tell myself! No. I’m not saying you should change your personality. I’m saying you should show it! The real you! Not the Pinterest you. Not the Instagram you. This is a call to show a little more of your real, authentic, weird self around others! This is a call to live a little more out loud.
“I’m not saying you should change your personality. I’m saying you should show it!”
When it comes down to it, you don’t just want to find more people, you want to find your people. And you don’t know who’s in your life right now, or just around the corner, waiting to connect with that quirky part of you. Typically, you’re drawn to certain people for a reason. If you find yourself drawn to a certain type of person, I’m guessing you see a part of yourself in them. So show it! To them!
Another personal story for you:
It was the summer after I graduated college, and I was at a popular establishment with some girlfriends (the best, who are still part of my tribe). At one point, I left my friends for the bathroom. When I met up with them later, I remember seeing them ending a conversation with a really outgoing, seemingly fun, funny girl from our class who I had always admired from afar. Admit it, you’ve done this. You’ve had a “friend fantasy” where you picture having the time of your life with this someday BFF, laughing…jet skiing…road tripping with matching bracelets…it's not weird. I’m declaring it. Anyway, my best friend who, by the way, is of the classy level of character that she would never miss an opportunity to lift someone up, told me, “That girl we were talking with spotted you going into the bathroom and was talking about how she always wanted to be friends with you.” What?!? Me? But I always wanted to be friends with her! Okay, so why am I sharing this story? To make myself look good? Obviously…haha! No! I’m throwing out a wake-up call. Imagine how often this happens in life. Imagine how many people you have a “friend fantasy” about who totally want to be your friend. Like I said earlier, you’re drawn to certain people for a reason. And as long as it’s coming from the right place, and not a place of “status” or “show,” you should follow it! Your Tribe Can’t Hear You! And they want to! They need you!
It’s so easy to talk yourself out of pursuing anything, especially relationships, when there’s uncertainty and vulnerability involved. But there’s just another example where all I ever had to do was be brave enough to be myself. I had already been “accepted” and you have been too, by the right people! College was another lengthy learning experience for me (journals for dayyys). But how about adulthood?
One more thought for you to ponder. Have you ever uttered the phrase, “I have no friends.”? I’ve definitely overused that statement. Duh…in my past mind, I was shy, socially awkward, socially impaired, whatever you want to call it. But do you want to know who else I’ve heard utter that phrase? Both women AND MEN who would be considered by their peers to be on the absolute top of the social ladder. I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve stared in disbelief at the “cool” outgoing person telling someone they “have no friends.” I would think, “What is up with that?” When it comes down to it though, everyone has a story they’re telling themselves in their head about themselves, and some of those stories are negative. Some people are just better at putting on a front and covering up the negative self-talk than others are. These people may be just as insecure about showing their real selves enough to develop and enjoy relationships. Part of the key ingredient to successful social connections and relationships is being willing to be vulnerable with others, which you best believe I’m going to dive into more deeply in a future post.
The point is, loneliness may not have as much to do with introversion/extroversion or certain social skills as we think it does. The key is learning to be comfortable showing your authentic self. So to wrap things up a bit (you can breathe), here’s a little 3-step recipe of what you can do if you’re lacking in the social connection department:
Figure out who you are.
Love who you are.
Be who you are! Out loud!
Helping people fine-tune this process is part of what I love most about my job, and definitely something I’d love to help you with.
Some people tell me that they’re just “too different” and can’t find a tribe that gets them. I used to feel this way. And typically what I dare to say to these people is, “You’re special. But you ain’t that special.” And what I mean by that is simply that you’d be surprised by how much you can actually relate to other human beings. Regardless, members of a tribe don’t have to be the same! Variety in a group is part of the fun!
But what if you’re busy? What if you’re in a hard season of life? What if you’re like me and a mom with young kids, and the last thing you feel like you can handle is a social life? I’m going to go out on a limb and say that you may need this message most of all. Having another human being to talk with and relate to in the crazy seasons of life is priceless. In my life, I’ve truly come to believe that it’s often the difference between sinking and swimming.
It took me a long time to get all of this. After years of personal growth, I started letting go of the calculated way I was existing out in the world, and started showing parts of my real self to people. And the craziest thing happened. When I started sharing what I thought to be the dumbest, but most authentic stuff, people started responding to me. My philosophy that I had to be a certain “perfect” way was flipped on its head. Suddenly, people would feel compelled to share more with me, invite me to gatherings, and happily reply, “OMG, me too!” to my “weirdness.” My very best friend and I would have never met if I hadn’t been willing to call her dorm (on a LAND LINE) and risk looking like a total creep, just to confess that I might be able to relate to her, after our moms were apparently discussing our personal issues in our hometown grocery store. :D I could have done nothing, and it would have cost me so, so much. If I can do that, you can do so much more without the added pressure of using an actual phone with no Caller ID. #thegoodolddays. (Separate article: Your Tribe CAN Hear Your Mom). ;)
Today, I’m surrounded by people I truly enjoy. And guess what? They see me as a unique, key, quirky, contributing part of their tribe! And here’s the funny thing: the times we are enjoying ourselves the absolute most together are not the times when everyone is showing some flawless, polished version of themselves. Not even close. It’s when someone admits that they peed their pants a little last week. It’s when I share the latest way I’ve put myself out there in the most epic-failingly hilarious way possible. It’s when we’re real.
If I could send one message back in time to my younger self, it would be this: Your Tribe Can’t Hear You! Figure out who you are. Love who you are. And be who you are in front of the world, sister!!
It’s the relating that feeds your relationships. It’s the connecting that feeds your soul.
Next week, I’ll dive into finding that “sweet spot” of vulnerability, and share tips on how you can find a happy balance between sharing nothing with others and suddenly providing too much detail on personal digestion issues. True story. :)
Make sure you’re subscribed to our email list to ensure you don’t miss out on anymore of my blast-from-the-past diary entries + extra tidbits & offers!